Outline Of The Family In Modern Society

The movie Paranormal Activity, although a horror movie, paints a picture of the modern American family. America’s definition of “marriage” is two or more people living under the same roof that love each other. I used the reference to the movie, one for the spiritual warfare that is present between the young couple, two it shows the way that Satan uses every day stresses to break apart an otherwise (almost) healthy relationship. The couple has just moved into a new house, the woman is in college; the man is a day trader. Supernatural occurrences start to happen keeping the couple up at night, the man loses some money in the market, and while the couple is trying to handle the stress, the activity gets worse, more violent. The everyday stress that the couple deals with starts to break apart the relationship, and the enemy is getting more of a foothold.

Even though this is a Hollywood horror flick, the message is apparent; to be a couple in present day America is tough. Stress if not handled properly has tragic effects on the covenant God had designed to be forever.  Paul Amato writes in Alone Together: How Marriage in America is Changing “Changes in public attitudes- involving more positive evaluations of single lifestyles and other alternatives to marriage, such as non-marital cohabitation- also reflect a decline in the centrality of marriage….marriage is losing its privileged status and becoming one lifestyle choice among many.”(p.2)

Sometime in the past, we had bought into the illusion that Prince Charming and Snow White are real, marriage is easy and there could be no way that divorce is possible. Once married, we found out the truth, and we couldn’t handle it. Divorce, disengagement and emotional incest occurred and the children were casualties. With the birth rate rising, this set up my generation for failure. “Indeed, if people’s expectations for a satisfactory marriage increased over time, then average levels of marital quality in the population declined.” Our reaction has been to take marriage off the table altogether, marriage has become the cause of unhappiness and not the reason to celebrate, rather a curse. Amato continues “Spouses who do not feel that their expectations are being met are likely to become increasingly unhappy, view more aspects of their relationship as problematic, argue more frequently with their partners and think more often about ending their marriage.”(p.11)

The couple in Paranormal Activity was basing their relationship on the new house, the money the man was making and their social life. Once the money was gone and their social life was being interrupted by the lack of sleep, the couple started fighting about little things. The woman starts to think that the entity is after her; the man is unsupportive and tries to take on the entity himself. He belittles the situation and the horror the woman is experiencing, while the entity is getting stronger and more violent. I believe this is a good portrayal of what happens every day, although maybe not paranormal, but within the bastardization of relationship where we are looking out for our best interests, if we do not get what we want, we move on. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz write “The marginalization of marriage in Middle America is especially worrisome, because this institution has long served the American experiment in democracy as an engine of the American Dream, a seedbed of virtue for children, and one of the few sources of social solidarity in a nation that otherwise prizes individual liberty.” We have become so disillusioned by our dream of Prince Charming, that when they become more apparently non-existent, we grasp for anything that gives us a purpose.

Our parents before us modeled marriage and it is a sad fact that they did not do a great job. John Eldredge, author of Wild at Heart and Captivating, attempts (with great success) to uncover why men and women are so broken in today’s society. Eldredge walks us through (from a Christian perspective) the creation of Adam and Eve, the fall of man and the effects of the aftermath. Eldredge explains that for men and women alike, the father is the defining factor in a child’s growth and security. In Wild at Heart, the father wound is one of the many factors that creates a desire in a man to find out who he is, sometimes never being able to fulfill that desire. “In the case of a violent father, the boy’s question [Do I have what it takes? Am I a man?] is answered in a devastating way “No, you’re a mommas boy, an idiot, a faggot.” These are defining sentences that shape a man’s life.”(p.72) If we do not know who we are, we find ourselves in other things. Men who did not have a father to support them while growing up will most likely try to find their identity in women, work, hunting, the army. This is happening now more than ever due to the rise in single parent homes. If the man tries to gather his masculinity in a woman, he will fail and become bitter and resentful towards the woman. If the man gets married in an attempt to define himself, the marriage will most likely fail, or he will become distant and despondent to his children and the pattern continues. Patrick Fagan, Ph.D. writes in his report The Effects of Divorce in America, “Children whose parents have divorced are increasingly the victims of abuse. They exhibit more health, behavioral, and emotional problems, are involved more frequently in drug abuse, and have higher rates of suicide.” No wonder we have chosen to stay away from the bonds of marriage. 

            The problem seems to be a generational stress passed from parents to children. How then do we break this post-modernistic ideal of marriage? If the system for divorce were modified to allow for only just cause, perhaps infidelity or abuse and abolish the petty reasons society gives for a split, I believe we would see a growing population that would find marriage a happier experience. If the couple were to turn to divorce, the system would evaluate and counsel the couple. This would provide an alternative, perhaps previously unseen by the couple, and prevent the children from experiencing the stresses of a break. This is only speculation, and would have to be tested in a controlled environment, although the hypothesis seems to be a productive alternative to simply saying, “I’m done with the marriage.” Another constructive habit that the church can do is to ensure that the couple has gone through an extensive counseling program that would start before the engagement and continue through to the marriage, and perhaps a follow up program for the months after the honeymoon, again, just speculation.

Now that we have taken a look at the post-modern American relationship, let us see what God says a marriage is supposed to look like. Mary Fairchild writes in her article What Constitutes a Biblical Marriage, “Wedding ceremonies were a well-established tradition in Jewish history and in Bible times. Scripture is clear about marriage being a holy and divinely established covenant.”(p.1) Adam was created and after God saw that no other creature was a suitable helper for him, He created Eve. Eve was Adams “help-mate” and together they were transparent towards each other and God. The relationship between the three was completely holy and good in the eyes of God. God intended marriage to be a powerful covenant between a man and woman, made complete by the consummation on the wedding night. When we choose to prematurely consummate a relationship, we create a bond that is meant to be shared by two people totally transparent to one another and God. Our world has come to idolize sex as the means to an end, when in fact God intended it to be the means to a beginning. In my paper on a newly wed Christian couple, both agreed that the church was not doing enough to allow sex talk into the youth groups. Sex was given to us by God as a gift to carry on our heritage and enjoy the benefits He has of being a father/mother. The church has made the act of sexual intercourse the ultimate evil that is plaguing youth, yet they don’t talk about it. If the church is not promoting healthy sex, the youth must turn to the world, and the cycle continues of men and women loosing their hearts to a false god.

This pattern has gone on since the fall of men; Satan has ruined one of the most sacred bonds that God had created for us, for man and woman to be in complete unity. The family is meant to conceive and train a new generation of men and women of God. Marriage was never supposed to be an easy thing, although society has created an ideal of marriage as the cure for a symptom. The organism, family, must stick together for the benefit of future generations, even if a split does occur, care should be taken to ensure the mental health and stability of the children goes unaffected.

Genesis 2:23-24 “The man said, “This is now bone of my bones, And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man,” For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” This verse is very clear to leave behind the family of origin and become one with the mate. When the baggage of the family of origin is introduced to a new marriage, the effects can be catastrophic. The man should rely on the woman and the woman the man, and the two will create a new family. Mutual empowerment will occur when both bring one hundred percent to the marriage; in leading the man will be a servant to the woman and the woman the man. This will ensure the security of the marriage and healthy environment for the children to grow in. This is easier said than done, unfortunately. “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?”(Amos 3:3) The couple must be open and responsive to the needs of the other, they must agree that there is another that now needs to be taken care of, and in that agreement, become one flesh. In Colossians, Paul writes, “wives submit to your husbands. Husbands love your wives and do not be harsh with them.”(3:18-19) Paul is telling both parties of the marriage covenant to love each other. Submitting to each other is the ultimate form of love and flattery. Unfortunately verse 18 is the part most remembered, giving the husband power over the wife, and therefore portraying the woman as a needy individual. The church has given more power to the man in a marriage than what God had meant, off balancing the covenant. Perhaps this is a reason the church is undergoing a growing attack on marriage.

            The attack on the family has come from all sides of the battlefield. Media, entertainment, the church, all have created a post-modern definition of marriage; do whatever makes us happy. As a man looking towards getting married, I have come to question my motives. I look at the facts and wonder if I should even roll the dice, further more, if I did get married, would I want to bring children into this world. The thought is totally opposite what God intended. We should rejoice at the idea of creating a family, although challenging, it proves to promote growth. Whether we are responsive to that growth is something each individual must face when the time comes, but if faced correctly could produce outstanding results. I believe that what my family of origin had taught me that when, and only when, we get married is the transition to adulthood. I will go even further to say that that was the only reason I wanted to get married, to prove myself to my parents. I too have a father wound that probably will never be totally healed. I was never taught that I was good enough; as a result, I had looked for my masculinity in women. I don’t have to say that I was let down drastically. Now that I am in my first serious relationship of my life, I find that a relationship takes very hard work. The moment we wake up we must mentally choose to love the person that is next to us. My parents pulled through their marriage somehow, although there was many times it had gotten more than a little rocky. I didn’t have a healthy family of origin, and it makes me doubt my ability to start a family of my own. The situation I am in is one that is common now, the non-marital cohabitation, and a situation that I had not foreseen, and not hoped for. The chances of a situation like mine to produce a healthy marriage are not good, although I pray and have faith that God will redeem our situation and have it produce good fruit.

In closing, my idea of marriage is when a man and woman, both at a mature age, agree to be totally committed to the other, through ceremony, in the presence of a witness. The marriage is finalized by the sexual intercourse of the couple, in total transparency. The man should serve the wife and the wife the man. Both parties give one hundred percent of themselves to the marriage. When children become part of the family, the parents should keep their stresses between themselves, not taking out frustrations on the children. The father should name and take the main role in a boy’s life after a time; the mother must let go of the boy. The father must initiate the boy into manhood, giving him a sense of purpose and who he is meant to be. The mother will take the role of the nurturing side of God, giving the boy comfort and a love the father cannot give. This will assure an easy launch of the boy into adulthood, giving him self-control, self worth, and security while finding a mate of his own, and therefore the pattern of a healthy marriage will continue.